The Baby Winnipeg Saga
by LorelaiSquared
Summary: (LIZZIE BENNET DIARIES) As a result of a ridiculous twitter conversation, I have written crack!fic about Mr. Collins with a baby. Then people liked it and wanted more, so it's turned into a sort of a series. Whoops. Basically Mr. Collins returns from Canada with a suit wearing baby and no explanations. Hijinks ensue.
1. Baby Winnipeg meets Charlotte Lu

"Hello Ms. Lu!"

Charlotte jumped in alarm at the unexpected interruption. "Mr. Collins, I didn't know we were expecting yo—" she trailed off, as she looked up and noticed the tiny child in his arms. "Is that a baby?"

"Oh yes! Little Winnipeg and I just dropped in to greet everyone before we get settled into our new dwelling."

"What is happening here?"

"Did Ms. DeBourgh not inform you that I was returning?" Mr. Collins frowned. "I thought for certain she would have enlightened you on our plans." He grinned. "No matter. We are here now and tomorrow, you and I can sit down to review our most recent analytics. I have already peeked at them and, I must say they are very fascinating indeed."

"Uh, sure." Charlotte looked down at the calendar on her desk. "I'm free at 10:30."

"Perfect! We shall see you then."

"We?"

"Myself and Winnipeg of course!" He jiggled the small child. "We go everywhere together."

"What about Jamie?" Charlotte asked, but the doorway was already empty and no answers were forthcoming.

Over the next several weeks, Mr. Collins showed up to work every day with the baby as though it were perfectly normal to return from another country with a child, no wife and no explanation whatsoever. The baby was always impeccably dressed in tiny little suits complete with clip-on ties (since real ties were a choking hazard, Mr. Collins had explained to Charlotte one afternoon), and Mr. Collins spoke to the baby, well, the same way he spoke to everyone else.

"Now you see these graphs, Winnipeg?" he told the baby in the middle of a meeting one day. "They are most exciting because they show us that our projected viewers are indubitably equal to —"

"You know the kid can't understand all that, right?" One of the interns interrupted. "It's just a baby."

"Oh, not so," Mr. Collins returned. "Babies have very intelligent minds and are very commonly underestimated. I have done extensive research into the subject and it is incredibly fascinating."

Although Charlotte thought the whole situation to be odd, it didn't really bother her. The baby was surprisingly calm and, for the most part, her job hadn't changed much at all.

When Lizzie heard about it however, she was full of questions. "What about Jamie? Don't you think it's weird she didn't come back with him? Are they even married? Does she really exist?"

Charlotte had rolled her eyes and smiled at Lizzie's continued theory that Jamie wasn't real. "I don't ask questions, I just do my job."

"But aren't you the least bit curious why he suddenly turned up with a baby? Ricky Collins with a baby! I mean, how is it even still alive?"

"It's a pretty healthy baby, actually."

"Also, are we even sure it's his child? How do you know he didn't kidnap it and flee from Canada? It would explain the unexpected return."

"I'm pretty sure Winnipeg is his, Lizzie."

"That's another thing. Who saddles a child with a name like that? The poor thing."

"Mr. Collins really likes Winnipeg, I guess."


	2. Baby Winnipeg meets Catherine DeBourgh

**Notes: **

* * *

><p><em>People really liked the first story and I've been getting requests for more stories about Baby Winnipeg so my brain came up with this. There will probably be more so I'm calling this "The Baby Winnipeg Saga". Enjoy.<em>

_Thanks to Claudia for betaing this at 3 am when my brain decided it was a good time to write._

* * *

><p><strong>Baby Winnipeg Meets Catherine DeBourgh<strong>

"What is that thing?" Catherine DeBourgh asked when she walked into Mr. Collins' office and saw Baby Winnipeg on his knee.

"Catherine DeBourgh!" Mr. Collins exclaimed gleefully, getting to his feet. "Meet Baby Winnipeg!"

Catherine scowled. "Why is it here?"

"Winnipeg always comes to work with me."

"Must you?"

"Why yes, I must. For it would be illegal and unethical to leave a helpless infant at home alone." Mr. Collins punctuated each word with a wag of his right index finger.

"But it's so smelly," she wrinkled her nose. "How do you stand it?"

"Oh, I have become an expert at the removal and interchange of soiled, hyper absorbent undergarments. In fact, that is why I invited you to meet with us today."

Catherine sat in the chair Mr. Collins gestured to, but kept an eye fixed shrewdly on the baby as though she feared it might escape and attack her or something. Instead, Baby Winnipeg gave her a large smile and giggled. Catherine's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "I will not pretend that I understand what you mean, Mr. Collins, for I do not. Please speak plainly."

"I have been developing a new and informative series. I call it 'Better Babies with Collins and Collins', in which Winnipeg and I shall enlighten the public on proper care and safety of their young."

"You believe there is a need for such a program?"

"Indeed." Mr. Collins set Winnipeg on the floor with a stuffed moose and hurried over to his desk to pick up a pile of papers. Catherine stared at the baby in alarm and wondered why on earth the creature thought it was proper form to chew on the mangy thing.

Mr. Collins returned, shoving a massive stack of colourful paper into her hands. "In fact I have researched the topic, at length. There are diagrams and statistics and even a pie chart for you that show how dire the situation is. Do you know how many infants suffer from inflammation of the epidermis on their hindquarters? The numbers are alarming. Something must be done and I believe that Winnipeg and I are up to the task."

Catherine flipped through the first few pages. "Well, if you believe this is necessary, I have no objections, provided I am not required to interact with it. Terrible things babies, full of germs that could make my dear Annikins ill."

"Oh, you needn't worry about a thing!" Mr. Collins bent down to rescue the child from toppling face first into the moose. He arranged the baby comfortably on his waist and continued. "Winnipeg and I shall take care of everything."

Catherine stood and returned the stack of papers.

"You don't want to read them?" Mr. Collins asked, crestfallen. He had spent many hours compiling them.

"I trust your judgement. You are quite thorough." Catherine nodded curtly. "Now if you'll pardon me, I would like to check in with Ms. Lu before I depart."

"Oh yes of course!" Mr. Collins opened the door for her.

When she had gone, Mr. Collins looked down at the baby who was currently lunging backwards and reaching down towards the stuffed moose on the floor. Mr. Collins retrieved the moose and, as Winnipeg happily gnawed on an antler, he said gleefully, "Well, young Winnipeg, I suppose we'd best get to work. I cannot decide which we should do first, 'Preventing Asphyxiation of the Pharynx' or 'Expunging Nasal Mucus', which do you prefer?"

* * *

><p><em>If you already read the first story, note that I have edited it to remove all pronouns for the baby, so that you can make your own assumptions as to the gender of the child.<em>


End file.
